Caroline Schnapp's blog


Enragée, déçue, brisée

J'écris plus jamais parce que les choses vraies se salissent quand on écrit sur elles, et que les choses à peu près vraies deviennent grosses et plus vraisemblables — et donc deviennent dangereuses en plus d'être encombrantes.

Je pense que si je me laisse pleurer, les choses que je peux dire tout haut, puis transcrire fidèlement, sont plus vraies, donc par désir d'y voir plus clair je me suis laissée pleurer et voilà ce que ça a donné... Je me souviens plus ce que les bouts de phrases sont supposées compléter. Je me suis posé une question du genre “Qu'est-ce qui te fait si mal?”.

1. Que je suis une personne extraordinaire dans une enveloppe qui devient de plus en plus ordinaire, qui a donné beaucoup d'amour, toute ma vie, à des hommes qui ne le méritaient pas. J'aime à un moment donné parce que j'aime et c'est tout, même quand j'y vois clair.

2. Que ça apporte aucune consolation de se savoir désirée, ou plutôt envisagée, par des hommes qu'on désire pas. Que c'est enrageant même.

3. De sentir que l'attirance physique et le sentiment amoureux ne peuvent pas être réciproques pour moi, mais que pour les autres c'est assez commun.

4. D'avoir donné trois ans de ma vie à un homme qui trouvait rationnel de me donner une chance, mais qui m'a jamais trouvé 'hot', qui n'a jamais été amoureux de moi sauf peut-être la soirée où il était saoul chez Dave et qu'on se connaissait que depuis à peine un mois.

5. De savoir que C. a une intelligence émotionnelle comparable à celle de mon père. Très, très limitée. Et qu'il a peur de mes émotions, pourtant très peu exprimées et presque constamment sous contrôle pendant 3 ans avec lui.

6. D'avoir 39 ans et de pas avoir eu encore de vraie intimité amoureuse et sexuelle avec quelqu'un.

7. D'être toute seule et de voir trop facilement la petitesse des gens.

8. De vouloir tuer les gens qui sont en couple. Leur petit couple. Le marriage, vouloir des enfants avec quelqu'un. Le commentaire d'un enfant qui vient de 30 ans en arrière: "Toi tu pourras pas te marier p.q. t'es handicapée." De pas être le genre de fille qu'on aime assez pour ce qui est normal: le couple, le marriage, les enfants. De pas 'représenter' ça pour un homme qui me plait.

9. D'avoir raté D. qui était vraiment "le mien", peut-être.


I am in love

I am in love with Vic Chesnutt ever since I saw him in concert last Saturday in Mile End, Montreal.

Vic Chesnutt

I can't say anymore, I'm sorry. And I am frickin' serious.


Pornography: a website that gets it

I stumbled upon some good porn last week.

The two videos I viewed were snatched from a website that gets it, ifeelmyself DOT com. I am that close from pulling my credit card and paying for a subscription, if only they'd provide a lot more guy with girl action. It's mostly solo clips (I feel myself).

I am not into soft core porn. Please. I am not into corny narrative, or most any narrative. The industry has such gross misconceptions about what women like, and what women need, when it does care at all.


What I think of Theme Forest

The Envato Marketplace is in need of a new pricing redesign. Read more →


Excusez-moi, I was born in the seventies (on Gary Numan in Cars)

Whenever I think of the song Cars by Gary Numan, I think of a student film Read more →


He's not good boyfriend material

Best Flight of Conchords's video to date. Masterfully directed by Michel Gondry.


Feeling old, getting old, and learning Ruby on Rails slowly

C. left again on a business trip. He finally applied for a TN at airport, and was admitted entrance to USA with it. He took a cab to the airport at around 5am. I'm still at his place. In about 1 hour, I have to boot myself out. From 4pm onward I can't leave the car on the street.

This morning, I had coffee that was too strong, ate quiche (that I made) that was too full of fat, and played Grand Theft Auto, all the while feeling old and unloved and lonely. My nerves at some point started to burn like an electrical circuit gone mad. I had to turn off all forms of stimulation and crawl back into bed. On the bed was The Laptop. I saw that C. had tried to call me several times using skype, so of course I called him back right away. On skype, he told me about the TN and at some point said “How are you”, but the “How are you” was directed at someone who was over there, not for my benefit. All week has revolved around him, his job, him worrying, him wanting to crawl under a rock, him procrastinating the preparation of presentations, and him finally preparing the presentations he has to give in Florida for Extjs. He lost one day's work on Friday. How hard is it to press CTRL-S. His version of it: “I lost a day's work due to misunderstanding Open Office auto-save function”. Open Office does auto-save, but when C. shut down his laptop late at night he was probably prompted to save his file but clicked 'no'. Auto-saved file was deleted as a result. This was most likely what happened. Of course, he spent most of the next day installing and running sophisticated software that looks for deleted files on the hard drive, the kind of software used by the police to find child pornography on a pedophile's computer. I spent the long week-end learning Ruby on Rails, sitting besides C., loving C.... I resumed the long process of teaching myself Ruby on Rails. Using different tools: Simply Rails (book), Learning Rails (book) and some guides on (excellent up-to-date online guides). It's all in all good for the soul indeed.


Irresistible for sure

My boyfriend uses Axe, antiperspirant and soap. It's actually, in all truthfulness, more irresistible than chocolate.


Is Paypal ripping Canadians off?

Paypal calculated rate

For at least 3 days now, the currency exchange rate used by Paypal to convert American money to CAD dollars has been stuck to 1.20588. All through the recent Canadian dollar plunge, the rate has not changed. Locking an exchange rate like so is fraud. The problem has been reported to Paypal. As a result, their rate is still locked, as of now, 9h27pm, Easter time, Friday. Read more →


Flight of the Conchords

Since I broke up with my boyfriend, I have tried to bring my energy to a level where I can engage myself in work activities. To pay my October rent, etc. Something really saved me, and a whole season of it. Who would have believed that I could laugh and enjoy myself again, and so quickly. Someone lent me the whole First Season of Flight of the Conchords. It's a musical TV series about two roommates who are from New Zealand, live in New York, and try and make it as a band.

Here, Jemaine (the most immature of the two) is imagining what it would be like to settle down with this girl whom he finds "very hot". She's the one he thinks. (He had several "ones", most people get 5 "ones" in their lives and he had 3, says he.) The title of the song is Business Time.