Not into me

My boyfriend is gay. My boyfriend is homosexual.

I would like so much to be able to share this with a woman out there who's been through the same. Please contact me if you have. I feel like I am going crazy, and I feel so sad. And I am not saying he's bisexual, oh no.

He has been denying it. But it's obvious, and to me, and to everyone. He once said: “Why does everyone think that I am homosexual?” So I learned that people in his life (not just my family) believe that he's gay. What has tipped me off (more like writing on the wall in flashing colors): his behavior with me, the “sex” we have — and mostly the sex we don't have, the 'man-with-his-woman' intimacy we never had, his whole person, the Yang he's unable or unwilling to manifest toward me, the way he lets himself be taken by me, but never feels the need to take me, the way he shuts his eyes close whenever we get physical, the way he moves, the way he walks, the interest he takes in other men, his inability to be in love with a woman who's there (as opposed to having feelings for one “special” woman who is away, or whom he's sharing with another man), his past relationships, his failed marriage (“I did not love her, and I never did. We married for family. We were like brother and sister.”), how he's not naturally aroused by certain female body parts (mine)...

I am just a good friend, a parade girlfriend “for show”, a sort of mother, a girl he “likes to spend time with”, someone “interesting and funny” (he once said), anything but a lover, anything but The Woman.

It has made me physically sick.

I saw it clearly way too many times, then shook the idea off, chose to ignore the signs.

Is it normal for a woman to have a boyfriend that never expresses the desire to make love with her? And all he's ever used with me is the word “fuck” when it comes to intercourse. And I have to ask him for it, “please, will you fuck me” (I have to ask that way, that's how he likes it). And sex is only possible at 2@3am in the dark when I sleep over, or when he sleeps over, once in a blue moon. Or, in the morning, when we wake up next to each other... and again that would be once in a blue moon. He has no problem with accepting a blow-'n-hand job, of course.

“Necking” was only for the first three weeks of us being together. To seduce me, I assume. Although, there was never any sincere “felt” kissing from him. Although he faked it well enough perhaps twice. Enough to get me all high and moved and sentimental and aroused.

For the longest time I wanted to believe that 1) I was with a man with a very low sex drive, and 2) he had trouble with my handicap, and 3) I was not pretty enough for him.

Enough with that. I am not to blame. Except, why do I put up with this? Don't I love myself enough to find a caring man out there? Someone who's into women and into me? I don't think I will have another boyfriend. He was my first. At 35! And now I am 36.