November 24th, 2005. As I write this, I am definitely not... connected. I hope that by the time I’m done and connect myself again to the Internet I’ll have at least a minute left on my weekly plan to send you this. Update : Not a good idea to have an unlimited plan, as I do now. I spend way too much time online. But a great idea all the same LOL...
I feel very self-conscious nowadays. There have been so many areas in my life where I have felt less than self-confident in the past years. Usually though I’ve never felt dumb. I have felt ugly. I have felt untalented, no talent in anything whatsoever. I have felt unlovable, undesirable, boring, dull. I have felt unworthy. But dumb ? Sure, yes, like anybody but never for any long period of time. I do now. It’s not quite a new thing. It started three years ago. I think that being without a real job for an extended period of time has contributed to this. Also my thyroid gland and some periods of depression might have something to do with this. It is almost as if emotional pain had finally destroyed my brain to some extent. Update : my brain power is back.
I know that I am not clinically depressed now. So, I don’t think that taking Prozac will help. I think that my brain has reached a certain ‘state’. I do have hopes of regaining some of my intelligence back, progressively, just by being in good health and exercising my brain cells. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll be smart enough. What is smart enough ? I’ll know when I get there I guess. If I do. Update : antidepressants, behind me!
I feel lonely too. A part of me has not forgotten entirely what I had with ______. There has been closure, yes. I do not wish him to contact me — I do not wish him to come back in my life, at all. Not even as a friend to talk to once in a while. However, what I have experienced with him I wish would come back in my life. I think it can. Update : I forgot what I had with ______. Now, pretty much all I’m thinking about, concerning this... ‘thing’ I had with him, is his inability to fuck me.
I have hopes now that getting into a graduate creative writing program will have me surrounded with good friends with whom I’ll have lots in common. The people who are doing graduate studies are a little older — more my age, and finally I’ll be with a writing crowd. It’s about time! Update : I got accepted in the program, it was a close call, given that I had not studied literature, but after a few semesters I dropped out. Total academic and grand bullshit that was. The Lit department was a total joke, it should be closed down, burnt to the ground.
Obviously, I am not looking forward to work. Part of me is, perhaps. Where is that part, though? Jesus! My cv is still not done. I’ve collected all pieces of paper I need to update it, with my last printed version, done about 10 years ago (!). All this has been on my desk (now it’s on a shelf actually) for several months now, collecting dust. I haven’t touched any of that. Update : I did write a new version. It got me a job, a contract, that I finally turned down, because... I really had no energy. Actually, the cv did not get me any contract. I was contacted by some other means, and I had to produce a cv to close the deal. That was last summer.
That last e-mail you sent me... you have to know that when you open up to me like that I feel that I am so close to you... as if I was in your arms. It is the equivalent of a hug.
About your husband... it’s strange that things from the past would come back... yet again don’t ask me why but it makes sense that it would come back now... despite or perhaps because of how wonderful he is to you now. A temporary separation seems totally appropriate. I got a feeling you need to reconquer the intimacy, to have him reconquer the intimacy with you. Maybe this will pass. It might very well do.
Things change... we, our inner core, doesn’t change all that much, but what we
want and need... it does change. Update : our inner chore does change too.
You know I still feel the same about our life, about this life being our ‘last chance’. A life relived, and/or which has already come to pass. I go on, I make the motions, because the settings and the conditions have to be there, set... in order for this last theatrical play to unfold. Does that make sense ? Update : hardly makes sense to me now.
Also, I’m starting to relax into life. This has to do with age, I am pretty certain of it. I want to just relax into Life — whatever it is and whatever comes.... It’s a form of detachment perhaps. Maybe I don’t want to feel so much... yes, that’s it. Update : yes, that’s it .
There is something not right in the world. I wrote so much more, then erased it, simply because it did not feel correct. All I can say is this : There is something not right in the world. Ok... obviously there are many problems... and TRAGEDIES!!!! It’s almost numbing. Overload of tragedies you know! Do you think YOU tap into this a lot nowadays ? Remember when we talked about a UNIVERSAL pain we can tap into... I think I have disconnected from it, it looks like you’re struggling with this. Have you disconnected yourself ? Maybe you could disconnect properly if you took some time alone. Why disconnect ? Because I think we have to. Why ? I don’t know. Maybe because there is an overload of it right now.
I am still very tired. I went through my full course of antibiotics for the pneumonia. All I feel like doing right now is renting movies and sleeping. I also have this incredible urge to go to the ocean — some place that’s not too cold. And just let my head empty itself... Update : I haven’t seen the ocean since...
I love you so much ! I wish I could do something to lighten your burden...