In an effort to write 10 posts today, as I have made this day a write-10-posts-day event for myself, let me tell you about the dream I had a couple of weeks ago.
I was in a Canadian Tire. For those who aren’t from Canada, Canadian Tire stores don’t just sell tires, they’re like Toys-R-Us for grown men. These stores sell tools, car parts and electronic equipment. So, I was lying down on my bed which happened to be in a Canadian Tire store. Next to me was the end of the aisle where laundry products are sold. I was posing as merchandise next to boxes of Tide. My nightgown was above my waistline so I was showing off my butt. I was lying on my front. I was anxiously waiting to get laid. People were coming toward me — toward the inside of the store — standing on moving carpets like you find in airports. It was a huge Canadian Tire store in a huge shopping complex. I forget to say that in the dream I thought I was astral traveling and that some of the people I was seeing were real like me.
Someone came to me. He was a very old man. He felt so very real because he had a personality. I let him touch me. He was kind enough to go down on me. After that, he asked me to marry him, and said : “Don’t worry, it’s just so that my money can take care of your needs for the rest of your life. My own [life] is about to be finished.”
I will break down the dreams in three parts. I’ll consider the place where it took place, then the fact that I had sex with an old man in it, then I’ll talk about the sex itself.
First, the setting. A Toys-R-Us for men. In my real life, am I choosing career paths because they are traditionally “male” so that I get to spend time with mostly men, and am I always looking to be in a male environment, and so forth and so on ? Maybe. I studied electrical engineering. There were about 4 girls in that particular program. The greatest job I’ve ever had was in an all-male department. There were seven guys working with me, each had adopted the name of one of the seven dwarfs. I was Snow White. I loved them. I still do. Men calm me. And maybe on some level I am always looking for an opportunity to get laid. Except the other levels interfere so that I am actually not getting laid.
And what about this old man in the dream ? Attraction was not part of the equation. In the dream, I was looking to get laid with anything that filled these 3 conditions : not a woman, willing and able. Of course, I was also attentive to whatever was pleasing to the eye, but attraction wasn’t a criteria. In real life, I am very presumptuous around older guys. When one is very friendly with me, I always assume two things : that he wants to have sex with me, and that he thinks he can easily get me to sleep with me. Which makes me very aggressive around most of them. Of course I keep this aggressiveness bottled down. Some older guy smiled to me in a store last week in an insisting kind of way. I got angry, yet smiled back. I thought : fuck off, you son of a bitch. You think you can have me. You think you’re old enough to get “passed” my handicap, you think you have a chance with me, because of my handicap. Quickly this gets out of proportions. And I am also self-aware, so I think : you’re thinking this because he’s an older guy.
With guys my age and younger ones, my thoughts and feelings are altogether different. When a young guy is very friendly with me, there comes a time in our friendship where I feel I should reassure him about my expectations : hey, by the way, I am not entertaining the idea that you may want to sleep with me or God forbid date me. I am only thinking that you are liking me as a friend. I am not even contemplating such possibilities as sex or love. Even though I think you are really cute, attractive and even though I like you so much, as a friend.
So that part about having sex with an old man (that I am not attracted to) sets the tone for the older-guy-will-like-me theme.
The sex part was typical too. The old man went down on me, which was exquisite. Except, of course, I didn’t feel much. But the gesture was exquisite. Because it’s quite something to do that to a girl I think — and quite something to do it to me. I made some noise and from between my legs he said : “My tongue is not on your clit yet.” He said that in a “ts-ts” tone of voice, don’t-you-dare-fake-anything-with-me-because-I-know-your-body-darling. I loved that he said that. Then his tongue was on my clit. And I went to heaven. I swear that following this dream I was very happy for 24 hours, because of that sensation. There I’ve canned the paraplegic sensation theme : “we” think we can’t or won’t feel anything until we do (but “we” never talk about that fear).
So I had sex (oral sex). But that’s uncommon. In the places I visit in my dreams most people spend most of their time looking for love rather than making it, just like they expect from their real life experiences : they expect to be looking and wanting, not expecting to be fulfilled. I am “most people”. If the places I visit overlap with other people’s hang out places at night then I hypothesize that there’s a world out there that is a reflection of people’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Two words coexisting actually, this one and that other one, that we visit at night.