Je vais enterrer Bouboule

I am going to bury you, sweetheart. I will add a blankie in your little box. I miss you already. You taught me so much, I am so afraid to forget you, almost as afraid as I am to forget what you taught me. It did not feel like you were dead in my arms, last night. Later, back to your home, in the trunk of my car, in your little box, you were still very warm, and I started to miss your touch already when I was back at my place, alone. I wished last night that I had brought you to my home, instead of leaving you in the box in dad's garage. I could have touched you more. I need your touch. Where are you? I know this is selfish but I cannot live without you. I need you to visit me. Can I reach you somewhere? I love you so much. I cannot stop crying. I don't care what people think. They don't know your secret. A few do. I need to see you again. I don't regret what I did. You wanted to die. There was nothing that could be done. I made sure to _know_ that, to be absolutely certain. I know, baby, that nothing could be done, even with all the money in the world. You deserved more than what I gave you, though. I neglected you whenever there was a guy in my life, and when I just couldn't will myself to spend time with dad. It was an honor to cross your path. You will not be replaced ever. Thank you so much for your lessons about courage, and about patience, and about loyalty. I hope you are not suffering anymore. I hate the person who did this to you. I will never forgive him. I knew you wanted to see him, and I know you love him. I let him be with you in your very last moments, when you could still use your body. He was in the room when you fell asleep in my arms. I wish we would have spent the night together, you and me. More time, just a little more. I love you so much, and I am so sad. I never suffered such loss before. I understand all the whys I think. By the way, you are the most beautiful cat I have ever seen, I never lied when I said that. I absolutely love your face, and your eyes. And you have the biggest heart... how do you do it? Who are you, really? Can you tell me, someday? I would love to know. Where are you? Come and see me, please. Do not leave me alone.

The day you died

These pictures were taken when I visited you, the night of the euthanasia. That pack of cigarettes was outside the front door to the hospital where you were. The oncologist had told me in the afternoon (on the phone... I wish I had met him in person, and visited you then...), he told me that you probably had a spinocellular epithelioma, a cancer that humans develop too. That huge mass/tumor of yours is located between your 'mandibules' (jaw). This probably caused you great pain, while chewing and swallowing... Your cancer was probably caused by dad's chain-smoking next to you all winter. One will never know for certain.

La fumée de cigarette cause le cancer buccal.

With dad, later.

With me.

Burial

The next day, at around 1pm, in my dad's backyard. My sister dug the hole. Your right side was very damp, from lymph or sweat, your body fluids, you were not smelly, you did not disgust me. I handled you very delicately. I took my shirt off and put it under your head. You bathed in the sun for a little while. Then I wrapped the upper part of your body in my shirt (your nose in it), and closed the 2 bags over you, before putting the lid back on your box. We were afraid that the other cats would dig you out. I hate the thought of bugs crawling on you... maybe I should have cremated you. I don't know. I wish that your body would remain the same, always. I don't want you to turn into something else. I don't want you to become food or fertilizer! That's not fair! You cannot do anything about it. I know that you're not paralyzed, that you died, but... I don't care about the Earth, the plants and I hate-hate insects. And I hate-hate that all is goin' on as if nothing happened.

My cat (a Scottish Fold, ~16 of age, stray cat found about 8 years ago, with feline aids) was put to sleep on May 6th, 2008. He fell 'asleep' in the oncologist's room at the vet hospital, on the floor, on my legs. After the injection, he became limp within 2-3 seconds. He died happy, and alert, despite the antibiotics and painkillers he'd been given. He had been properly hydrated through IV in the 24 hours prior to his passing. He had a far-advanced-stage spinocellular epithelioma (tumor) in his mouth/lower jaw. He had stopped eating and drinking and was waiting to die, out of view under the balcony, although he still showed up whenever we called out for him (he understood many words, among them the name we'd given him).