Unpackaged thoughts

Waited with my dad for about an hour outside of a court room this morning. I was there for morale support. I also, at the last minute, in the waiting room, did some calculation by hand, filling a form that my father had had a month to fill, for the court case, but he could not figure much out... at 5am this morning. Opposite to me was sitting some guy with his Annoying Girlfriend. She was so much into herself and the case that she did not notice my staring at her boyfriend. My eyes kept going back to him because he looked exactly like Gael García Bernal, no wonder. Who reminds me of a man I used to know... Who has a son I have never met. I had enough time to go from feeling relatively happy to looking at least quite depressed. I could feel my face change : the bones, the muscles, the skin, as if I was turning to stone. My dad probably had not taken a shower for a week (from the smell), but had been given clothes without holes in them (he keeps dropping cigarettes on his trousers all the time, they burn his trousers, there are usually at least 10 holes on the front of his trousers, I wonder where that pair without holes came from, that means his girlfriend hid them somewhere.)

I was there smelling my father. That smell does not warm up my heart, even at the thought of him dying to only leave that onion scent behind him in his clothes. I love my dad though. I love him and hate him and pity him and I was the one to say 'yes', I had accepted to be there for him. Hold on, last night, I asked him on the phone : You want me to go with you ? And he said Yes, he was talking about that, and we both knew he was burning to ask me. He probably called me to ask me. My mom had done much of the work already. She had said to me two days ago : You should propose to your dad to go with him.

I felt dirty myself. As if the scent of my entire family and their chaotic lifestyle had impregnated me to the core and fucked up my life. I felt dirty because some guy made me feel dirty recently. Although I have had a dream to clean all that up, yesterday. A dream with a friend. There was a modified version of my friend in the dream. A very elaborate dream. The equivalent of a long feature film. I remember three things about this dream now : the first time we kissed (me and that ‘stranger’ in the dream), I wanted to kiss him on the cheeks but he did not move his head as he was supposed too, so a very small fragment of my upper lip touched a very small fragment of his lower lip, a little piece of flesh touched a little piece of flesh, and it was warm. After that, it felt even warmer, as if his whole lip had touched mine. The second thing I remember is an actual kiss on the mouth. And, me, I had lied, I had said to him : I have never kissed a man. Which actually was true at some point in my life, but that was a while ago. And he had said : you should never kiss a man you don’t love. And in the dream, he loved me. And me I knew I would love him, I loved him already, I knew it was already too late. It’s like when you have swollen a pill and although you’ve just started to feel the effects, you know you don’t have the full effects yet, but you can already imagine what it will be like when you do. He said : you should never kiss a man you don’t love, which is a cute thing to say, but now I realize that it can be very good to kiss a man I do not love, but indeed that is rare, I mean : to enjoy kissing so much a man I do not love. The third moment is too sexual to talk about. I woke up feeling great. And that’s that. Of course, when I woke up I remembered so much more, and yes my feelings are pure. Dreams that are sexual don’t always refer to things that are sexual. I have to go back to bed. I am so tired.

That’s too bad. I had waken early this morning. And the day had really started well. My dad fell asleep next to me when we were waiting. Even in court, he was half-asleep. The judge asked questions he had a hard time answering because he could not think straight. He had not shown up for the case hearing the first time. Because he had not received the 'invite' (summation?) by mail. So he says. That is probably true, that part. Then he received a judgment by mail. He then filled some form to say that he did not agree. He filled it too late. He had 10 days, he took 30. The judge asked him why he asked for a dispensation after the delay. He said : I never did that. Because that word she used, dispensation, he did not understand. Anyway, she said she would make a decision in deliberation as to opening up the case again, or not. We he will be notified in the mail of her decision. My dad stupid reply to her was : I worked on these papers all night. (That comment was stupid in the sense that he had had a year to prepare these papers, and he started at 11pm last night.) And we were dismissed. I was so relieved. Then I drove my dad back home. Actually, we had to make a stop somewhere so that he could buy himself the same sandwich he buys every fucking day of his life. [Edit] That’s not true. He does not always buy that sandwich. Given that there are two meals in one day, he has that sandwich for a quarter of his meals. The day before yesterday I was with him, and he bought chicken in a box, because that’s what I like with him, and he always has what I want when we eat together. And while waiting outside the court room, I did not mind his smell, I brought my face very, very close to his face and caressed his back, and spoke to him softly because I love him so much, so very very much, and my sister too she loves him so very very much.

Last edited by Caroline Schnapp about 9 years ago.