Whoever I was, I’m certainly not anymore.
I am a different person, and the getting familiar with my new self has just begun.
My personality has changed as if someone has transfused me with his own personality, or has stolen my identity. I know what I don’t want. I know what I want. The first list is endless. The second list is strange. That’s all I know about who I am now. I can only define myself through what I want and do not want.
But I know that I am really who I am. I may be for the first time in my life experiencing life without any sort of rationalization, without lying to myself. It is scary, unsettling, often so hard, but it is true. It is sad at times, at other times so happy that I am speachless, it is often angry, but it is true. I hope this won’t kill me.
It’s like you’ve been eating certain things days on end, month after month, for years and years. You thought you liked these things and you thought that these things were good for you. Life was comfortable. It was a mock life, you had created it and had settled into it after years and years of lying to yourself. Then you started to doubt. It happened quickly. It happened too quickly. There was a trigger, an Earth quake: in most cases, you met someone. You wake up to realize that you HATE, HATE, HATE these things you’ve been eating, and have not been eating the things you love and so much need. Now, just thinking about these things you dislike turns you stomach upside down. If someone would hold a gun to your head to force you to eat these things now, you would prefer to die, you would not hesitate, and at the thought of not eating the things you love and so much need you want to die too.
The anxiety is so great that you are unable to fit in any sadness at the thought of so much time wasted. You feel estranged from your past (how the fuck was I able to... ?) and scared shitless at the thought of a future devoid of what you love and need, and filled with these things that make you sick. You have to start from scratch. Almost everything is to be thrown away. You feel totally indifferent toward things that used to mean something to you. Where will you find the energy? Where will you start? You have to transform your environment, no! you have to leave your environment and MOVE to another one, you have to change what you do for a living, and you have to change your family, the language you speak, and even your sense of what a woman is. You’re not the same woman. You have become another woman, and you think that you have become a woman at last.
Old methods of fixin' are seen for what they are: weapons of mass destruction. There will be no pills, no imbecile therapist, no diagnosis of yet another illness.
Now where do you go when something like that happens to you? Whom do you turn to? Is there a support group somewhere for people who are experiencing this? Do these people think that they’ve been abducted by aliens? Do they think that a Spiritual Entity has left them, or that a Spiritual Entity has ravished them? How do they explain their Radical Awakening/Dying which Now Burns Their Soul-lessness? The veil has been lifted, their heart has been shocked and their Artificial Respirator unplugged. Every day that passes where they stare at this new reality in a daze without doing anything to Change their Life, Life itself is leaving them. They are slowing down... It is urgent that they do something, because if they don’t they will die in their sleep from “unexplained” cause.