The end is near, and this time around eternal sunshine

I just signed up for the script-writing version of Nanowrimo. That will keep me from artificial death, I mean... that ought to make me feel alive for the whole month of June. I am thinking about cashing my pension fund and living on that money till my last breath. I suspect that my heart won’t beat all that much longer. I could not tell you why. In my last life, I lived up to 39. I will be turning 36 on August 31st. I know I will still be alive then but I feel it in my guts that it won’t be for SO much longer. I hope to die on foreign land — not in my appartment. (Despite the hassle that will cause.) God I sound like Nelly Arcan now. I am not suicidal though. I am trying to put words on a quite real feeling. I am scared of that feeling because I am quite aware of the effect the mind has on the body : by expecting so much to... die, I just might because I expect it. I could make myself really, really, really sick. Even when I am happy, and I often am, I know in my core that I will die "soon".

I am all the more scared because I know that my words come true. I have had this happening to me countless of times. Writing fiction then seeing what I made up appear before my eyes, materialize perfectly in the world later on. In my life. Like I have become some kind of god/creator now with words LOL... It might be my words, but it may be visualization as well. Some of the dreams I have in the morning, when I oversleep, do come true later on during the day. But I think that’s precognition : the visions are always mundane, although specific and detailed. Are words really that powerful and dangerous, or I am mistaken ?