News from the front

Shabbat shalom my dear, I am hanging on.

My friend is married. His wife and his son are now in [some country]. I used to be in love with him, I’ve always fancied him, and I have always had so much affection for him too, but nothing had ever happened sexually, and I was angry about that, a long time ago. When we met, he could have... I so much longed for it. I was a virgin, technically still was, and I had never been kissed. I thought in some odd, irrational way that he should have de-virginized me. We go way back. He never touched me. He knew I wanted him (I am certain of that), and he was always charming, and showing me signs and expressing words that said ‘you are hot to me’, while being a good friend.

We slept together : it was late, and he offered his bed, with his body next to mine... And I started it. My leg was resting over his pelvis and my mouth was pressing against his naked shoulder. Still he did not do anything, except caress my knee. We stayed like that for a while, my heart racing. Then I started to caress him. I reached for his penis... What is it we did ? He caressed by breasts and I caressed him pretty much everywhere. The lowest part of my pajama stayed up and we did not kiss on the mouth. Something was missing : we did not make love. But it felt good to have that intimacy with him, it felt good to arouse him and stimulate him. I went down on him for about an hour, maybe more, maybe less. There was no time. I don’t think I had ever done this that long. It was the closest I could get to him. There were waves of excitement, rising, lowering, rising again, and we both were in no hurry for him to ejaculate. Abandonment like that is beautiful. I wish I was able to abandon myself like that... We are still friends now. I have no regrets. I’ve wanted to touch him for a very long time. Please don’t judge me. But days after....? I am aroused by him now. He was a little rough with my breasts and now they are super-sensitive because of that. And I am thinking about his hand over my face, pressing around my neck, and caressing my breasts just by gentle ‘brushing’ (I asked him to be more gentle in the morning...). Maybe I should masturbate but I don’t feel like it at all. I made a lot of mistakes with _____ this week. Bottom line is that 1- he sent me an electronic flyer for the play next week (I _asked_ him). 2- he has never said in any of the e-mails that he wants to see me again, although I keep saying that I want to. All he’s saying now is that he’s going to be ‘insanely busy’ for the next few weeks. He’s still polite. I have not called him. That’s what I should have done. My voice is more ‘weakening’, that is, convincing. Not that I want to play any game. I want to be totally honest now... but honesty is dangerous. Lying is the currency of the world. That’s a line from a movie.

I am exhausted and I ache all over. My muscles ache. Something is terribly wrong with my body, could be a lymphoma. Medical imagery showed something 5 years ago, it was a strange period. I saw a woman surgeon. There were lots of tests, a lot of worrying, then the mass went off the map, and I was diagnosed with mononucleosis. Not in that order, though LOL... I am going to see the doctor at the end of the month. I still have not gone for the thorough blood check another doctor prescribed. I found the prescription, which I had lost.

I still have a urinary tract infection. Except I cannot be treated now. The only way I can fight this is on my own. Cipro can only bring temporary relief, it kills everything but does not stimulate my immune system. Quite the opposite really.

You’re lucky to not feel old ever. As for me, I very rarely feel down when I wake up, I just feel old. It takes me some time to go down. I go down during the day... In the morning, life always seems bright enough.

I am so turned off computers now.

Having great sex with a great guy will do that to me. Lousy sex with guys I know I will never fall in love with, now that’s better. That would make me happy. I am serious.

Let me present myself : a very sensitive girl who’s trying to protect herself the best she can. A passionate soul really who is all about love, sex and death. Deep love, transcending sex and an attraction for Death when she meshes with Love & Sex because she’s so Scared and been so Hurt. I have to admit to what I truly am, and stop claiming that I am some funny smart ass about Life. And no, don’t tell me again that ‘we all need love’. I just want to see him again, kiss him again... and I want to love him in acts. Don’t say anything cynical please.