Enragée, déçue, brisée

J'écris plus jamais parce que les choses vraies se salissent quand on écrit sur elles, et que les choses à peu près vraies deviennent grosses et plus vraisemblables — et donc deviennent dangereuses en plus d'être encombrantes.

Je pense que si je me laisse pleurer, les choses que je peux dire tout haut, puis transcrire fidèlement, sont plus vraies, donc par désir d'y voir plus clair je me suis laissée pleurer et voilà ce que ça a donné... Je me souviens plus ce que les bouts de phrases sont supposées compléter. Je me suis posé une question du genre “Qu'est-ce qui te fait si mal?”.

1. Que je suis une personne extraordinaire dans une enveloppe qui devient de plus en plus ordinaire, qui a donné beaucoup d'amour, toute ma vie, à des hommes qui ne le méritaient pas. J'aime à un moment donné parce que j'aime et c'est tout, même quand j'y vois clair.

2. Que ça apporte aucune consolation de se savoir désirée, ou plutôt envisagée, par des hommes qu'on désire pas. Que c'est enrageant même.

3. De sentir que l'attirance physique et le sentiment amoureux ne peuvent pas être réciproques pour moi, mais que pour les autres c'est assez commun.

4. D'avoir donné trois ans de ma vie à un homme qui trouvait rationnel de me donner une chance, mais qui m'a jamais trouvé 'hot', qui n'a jamais été amoureux de moi sauf peut-être la soirée où il était saoul chez Dave et qu'on se connaissait que depuis à peine un mois.

5. De savoir que C. a une intelligence émotionnelle comparable à celle de mon père. Très, très limitée. Et qu'il a peur de mes émotions, pourtant très peu exprimées et presque constamment sous contrôle pendant 3 ans avec lui.

6. D'avoir 39 ans et de pas avoir eu encore de vraie intimité amoureuse et sexuelle avec quelqu'un.

7. D'être toute seule et de voir trop facilement la petitesse des gens.

8. De vouloir tuer les gens qui sont en couple. Leur petit couple. Le marriage, vouloir des enfants avec quelqu'un. Le commentaire d'un enfant qui vient de 30 ans en arrière: "Toi tu pourras pas te marier p.q. t'es handicapée." De pas être le genre de fille qu'on aime assez pour ce qui est normal: le couple, le marriage, les enfants. De pas 'représenter' ça pour un homme qui me plait.

9. D'avoir raté D. qui était vraiment "le mien", peut-être.

Last edited by Caroline Schnapp about 6 years ago.


A wish for good winds

I usually came to 11 Heavens looking for technical hints and design ideas. Until the day I took the time to read some more info about the person behind it, and some of the blog entries. A much more interesting read, to know that such a deeply alive, emotional and intelligent person was behind all the (excellent)technical stuff.

This post here is quite old now and I hope new roses have already grown in your garden.

For those who pass through love and do not let themselves live it deeply as it can be, I can only say I am sorry. Many men just keep getting happy with their small love affairs and leap away at the smallest sign of a truly deeper connection. It's like loving only the "tips of icebergs" when so much more remains hidden underwater.

As for you I am sure you find the true connection meant for you, the true friend, husband and lover. A true companion. Not trying to flatter at all, I am just not blind enough to not notice inner beauty, emotional and rational intelligence, when it is shown.

P.S. It happened that I was hearing a song in french while reading this, about a lady unhappy with love, called Sympathique, by Pink Martini. Hope you are not ever even an inch unhappy with love anymore.

Greatest of luck to you. Best regards.

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Very happy to be here,

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About loving me that don't deserve it.

Sorry this is reply to article not your comment. "gave love to men that did not deserve it" Really? Does anyone deserve or not deserve love? And on what basis would you deem love is deserved? All mankind deserves love in my opinion. Non are all good and non are all bad. YOU MADE THE CHOICE TO "LOVE" THESE MEN. Therefore its on you. What? Was your love conditional? If so it was not Love to begin with. Check out my websites if your not too pissed off by my reply.

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happiness is such a sad, sad word
miserable people looking lost, looking for it
if you found it, what'd you do with it?

it's not the thing for me
it's not the thing i want
it's not the thing for me
it's not the thing i want

just some crappy lyrics to a crappy song i never finished writing.
i hope you found a little happiness in your life.

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I have to wonder if you're a human spammer or a machine, or less likely someone who cares to leave his or her thoughts behind.